for newyorker.com, | October 13, 2021

Go Bags of the Stars

What Kanye West, Melania Trump, and others grab when the going gets tough.

Read at newyorker.com

A man in a suit carries a structured Louis Vuitton bag.
Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty

Kanye West

  • Tactical flashlight with “dazzle” setting

  • Pemmican and hardtack embossed with Louis Vuitton logo

  • Hand-crank radio

  • Additional hand cranks

  • MacBook with permanently activated caps lock

  • Rainwater-harvesting system patterned after the fountains at the Bellagio

Jared Kushner

  • Survival whistle

  • Twenty-five-foot-long banner reading “HELP”

Susan Collins

  • Light sweater

  • Heavy wool sweater

  • Light sweater

Oprah Winfrey

  • Map of local aquifers

  • Power bank, charging cables

  • Solar panel in shape of roomy turtleneck poncho

  • Paperwork for recent sale of beach house

  • Armored tank painted by Kehinde Wiley to resemble a glorious peony

  • Gayle

  • Fifty-three pairs of reading glasses

  • Galleys of the next Colson Whitehead book

Ron DeSantis

  • Waterproof documents bag

  • Solar oven

  • Desalination tablets

  • Spring-break T-shirt

  • Beer goggles

  • Coronavirus-shaped beach ball

  • Oven mitts for touching car’s steering wheel

  • Statue of Robert E. Lee

  • Monoclonal-antibody gelcap

  • Booster shot

Fran Lebowitz

  • Cigarettes

  • Isolation booth with loudspeakers

  • Photos of estranged son, Adam Driver

Meghan McCain

  • Scrunchies

  • Hairnets

  • Barrettes

  • Antlers

Lindsey Graham

  • Snakebite kit

  • Canvas tote filled with forty-seven back issues of Men’s Health

  • Leatherman Super Tool 300

  • Police whistle

  • Muscle shirt

  • Boots

Johnny Depp

  • Inflatable raft

  • Scarves

  • Bracelets

  • Copy of the Upanishads given to him by his bracelet coach

Melania Trump

  • Knee-high suede boots

  • Copy of prenup and magnifying glass

  • Justin Trudeau’s phone number

Marjorie Taylor Greene

  • Bleach

  • Hydroxychloroquine

  • Ivermectin

  • Windex

  • Squeeze packets of mayonnaise

  • Adult coloring books, already colored in

  • Jewish telescope

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

  • Barry White records

  • Cigarettes

  • Fire blanket

Marina Abramović

  • Tofu

  • Eyeliner

Kim Jong Un

  • Video monitor of local labor camps

  • Energy audits of all enemies’ homes

  • Shoes with lifts, two-inch (business casual) and two-foot (flood)

  • Anti-radiation tablets

  • Gorilla tape

  • Fleece-and-Kevlar Mao suit, sized for husky child

  • Nuclear warhead

  • Eight-by-ten glossy signed “Dotard Trump”

James Corden

  • “Hamilton” wardrobe, all costumes

  • “Dear Evan Hansen” wardrobe, all costumes

Prince Charles

  • Hunting togs

  • Polo togs

  • Nine-ounce tube of Bain de Soleil

  • Conservatively cut “elder Speedo”

  • Digestive biscuits that seem much healthier than graham crackers but that are simply reconfigured graham crackers

  • Map of pre-stocked fishing ponds in local area

  • Business card with “Such is the end of Empire” written in sixteen languages

  • Thermal clothing stuffed with actual living ducks

Simone Biles

  • Protein bars

  • Energizer batteries

  • Swiss Army knife whose blades’ movements trace a Yurchenko double pike

Dianne Wiest

  • Inflatable raft

  • Cracked optimism

  • Squinting

Ivanka Trump

  • Compact mirror

  • Full-length mirror

  • Photos of closed Planned Parenthood clinics, covered with heart doodles

  • Bronzer

  • Buffer

  • Gold leafer

  • Plumper

  • Pouffer

  • Smoother

  • Glosser

  • Luxer

  • Peacher

  • Pootier

  • Collapsible water jug

  • Justin Trudeau’s phone number


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